This’ll be quick, I swear. Unlike the actual experience. Of going to the CLSC. Which cost me a chunk of change, three and a half hours, and momentarily, my pride. Are you still in? OK-here we go. Quick like.
So as you know (from reading the other parts of this epic in proper order….riiiight? Riiiiight?) I totally messed up my thumb, which required some medical assistance, which I (sorta, kinda, and in all honesty, in spite of all my whingeing, not really) was reluctant to get. Off I went to the closest clinic around, where I immediately regretted going, as at least three-quarters of the waiting room were bent over, coughing and heaving into their (required because of the potential threat of pig flu) facemasks. Crap. I just knew I would go in to get my thumb attended to, and walk out with a deadly parting gift.
But forward onward ho, to the signing of forms, the paying of cash, the explaining of my situation, and the (relatively useless) attempts to both charm and arouse sympathy in the young receptionist who was probably relieved to write something other than “suspected H1N1″ on the docket.
“All things considered, you’ll probably be up in an hour.”
An hour?
“Yes, an hour.”
Damn.
And just like clockwork, I got called up to the plate. Two and a half hours later.
The nurse berated me for not going to the hospital earlier. The doctor came in, and did the same thing. I found out that “des points” were stitches, and I should’ve gotten some the night prior. They broke out the hypodermic needle and tetanus vaccine with (much too) much glee. “Hé ben,” said the nurse, “we haven’t done this in a while….”
“Um…”
“Qu est-ce qui y a? Is there a problem?”
“Uh…”
“OOOOOHH ! Êtes-vous une pleurnicheuse ?! Avez-vous peur des aiguilles ?!”
“Noooo! I am not a crybaby! But, er, yes - I am not a big fan of needles, and was wondering if you had the vaccine in one of those strips with the micro delivery system I saw on CNN Health Live…”
“Seine quoi? Micro dee-live…”
“Nevermind. Forget it. Just go ahead and poke me.”
I closed my eyes and thought of England.
And their National Health System.
And the fact that an injured person from Devon could probably flash their health card at a clinic in Essex and not have to pay a red cent.
But then again, they might have to explain what they’re doing in Essex.
There’s always a cost for care.
“Et voila!”
While I was busy with the British, the nurse had administered the tetanus shot, disinfected the wound, stuck my thumb back together with 3M sticker “stitches” (See? The future of medicine does not have to involve needles! There are other ways!), and wrapped everything up in a cloud of gauze.
“Just keep it clean. Et sec. Tell your boyfriend he has to wash your dishes for the next two weeks.”
“Um, could you write that out as a prescription? He won’t believe me without a doctor’s note…”
After the settling of more accounts (a tetanus shot for ten dollars? By jiminy, that’s a bargain!), I walked out into the failing light of day (it was the deep of winter, after all), and began conversing with my well-bandaged thumb mummy;
“See? It wasn’t so bad. You’ll heal up and be as good as new in…well, no pressure. You take your time. I’ve paid good money for your care. Why, I bet you were better attended to than those second-tier losers, who expected free, expert service at the drop of a card. Hah. The joke’s on them.”
EPILOGUE: Sadly, the joke really is on Quebec. On March 30TH, 2010, the Charest government announced a highly controversial plan to introduce user fees for public health care services. These fees will be based on citizens’ visit/appointment frequency, which is a clear attack on the most vulnerable individuals in society - pregnant women, the chronically ill, and aged. Through a dubious legal loophole in the Canadian Health Act (enacted in 1984), a senior advisor (who clearly doesn’t understand the ins and outs of karmic return) in the Charest cabinet found a potential way to pump 500 million back into a (terribly mismanaged) system laden with deficit.
I should clarify, however, that this move only seems to violates the SPIRIT of the Canadian Health Act, and not the act itself. The proposal skirts the law by not charging per medical visit, but by levying a lump sum come income tax time.
I’m sure cancer patients will take much comfort in this technicality.
